Changing Landscapes

This is the beauty that we are surrounded by as the fields of rape seed are blooming. When you look out my back window it looks like a checker board as squares of blooms are popping out at us. I love this time of year. The yellow is vibrant and exciting and brings change.

Since Mark has been gone my own personal landscape has changed. I have learned lessons, some hard, some interesting and motivating. Two in particular have really stood out as life changing. And one thing is for certain, I can do this, BUT I want him back. This hole in my life and my heart needs to be filled back up.

The first lesson I learned the hard way: It is still a mans world. I wondered to myself why this was so surprising to me because I can hear you all in my head saying, "You are so naive, of course it is a man's world". Maybe it is because I was raised by a strong, independent mother who "got it done". Maybe it is because I choose a partner that thinks and treats me as his equal in every way of our life. Sure, I'm not physically as strong, (more on that later) but intellectually, I think I match up pretty well.

So why is it when I had an important meeting with male German legal adviser that he was standoffish, aloof, vague, with no eye contact whatsoever until a very good friend of mine, who is male, walked in. The meeting took a drastic change, the legal adviser sat up a little straighter, made eye contact WITH MY FRIEND, worked a little harder for me. I was also advised by a good friend when Bailey was having a little trouble at school that I should wait and send Mark in to take care of it, they would sit up and take notice better than if it were me. What the?! Then on a different day, 2 men (lucky me, I'm outnumbered) came to fix my washer and didn't fix my washer. In fact, they rolled their eyes at me, shrugged their shoulders, gave each other "she's crazy" glances and most likely I was their laugh for the day. I can guarantee you if Mark would have met them at the door, it would have been a completely different outcome. SO. INFURIATING. I did find my foul mouth that day, it has been contained since.

My second lesson was more positive: I am stronger than I give myself credit for. Mark has certain jobs that he does around the house. I have certain jobs that I do around the house. It has not been fun doing both. BUT, I moved heavy pieces of furniture by myself while he was gone!! Yippee! On a different day, while meeting with my girlfriends to help with a project in her garage, we determined that in order to complete the project a washer, dryer and refrigerator would have to be moved. My friend said, "Okay, I'll wait until my husband gets home and he can do it". Then my other girlfriend said, "If we wait for our deployed husbands to come home to do things, they'll never get done. Let's do it!" She was right, and we did it, and it felt good! What I learned that day is this, I can move mountains without Mark, I just don't want to.

When Mark gets home I will happily give his jobs back to him, but now it is not because I can't do it, it is because we are a team and we are sharing this life . . . and the garbage is still too hard for me to do.

I also learned that I can function on very little sleep. It hurts a little but I have not forgotten anything major like a child (I only have two for heaven's sake). The bills have been payed, food in my kids belly's (well except that one weekend), I have more patience than I thought, there is still laughter and learning in my home and I have watched a ton of movies and read to my hearts content in the big ridiculous bed. I also drink WAY too much diet Coke and I think, but I'm not sure, that there are actually less minutes in the day, I'm looking for the news alert on that one.

I also have a new found respect for my friends who's husbands are gone much longer than mine. You guys are my hero's with your survival skills, positive attitudes and the sharing of ways to cope and laugh through it a little. I also learned that girlfriends are essential in this life.

So here is a picture of the beautiful landscape behind my house, but wait . . . what is that on the left side??? Is it . . . can't be. . . but oh yes, it is a big huge pile of dung. I didn't notice it until after the fact. But isn't that how life is? A bunch of beautiful, ever changing landscapes mixed in with an amount of dung that is ever present but not noticeable when you look at the big picture. So here is my advise through McKenna's experience, enjoy the beautiful landscape, just make sure you don't step in the dung. At least that is what I am trying to do.


And just so you know, Mark is doing well. We are down to about 2 weeks, give or take a week . . . or two or three or four. You know how the military rolls. Actually Mark looks a little too well, he looks too good in that suit! Way too good. Just come home already! I'm waiting . . .